This morning I entered and exited counseling with a heavy heart. I was reminded of how it’ll get better, and it’s just the depression talking, and so on. However, the fact of the matter is that no matter what a counselor says, if you currently don’t feel like existing, you’re not going to magically feel like life is really wonderfully worthwhile after leaving your counseling session, it just doesn’t work like that.
So as I lay in my bed, in a dark room, and I ponder the shapes in my ceiling, I do not feel one whit like moving forward – so much as removing myself from my bed is a dreaded task. Here’s the dilemma: how does one look to the future when the present is so hard to bear? And the answer is you don’t. You focus on the current, on what makes life a little easier right now.
I find that the support and love of my friends and family makes the whole situation more bearable. Without the solid group of friends, a group that welcomed me into their arms when I randomly showed up three weeks ago, the pain would be so much worse; because it’s those moment: the silly ones when you share hammocks, eat cookies you’re not supposed to eat, and sit far too close to each other to watch Galaxy Quest that make life worth living. It’s the messages with album selections, funny stories from years past, Publix adventures, and checking in from friends that make my life a little easier. I look to those moments when I feel I can’t possibly stand the pain of human existence any longer, and they give me hope of a better tomorrow.