Confronting My Brokenness: A Process

Let’s jump right in. I have two coping mechanisms that I use primarily: 1. Pretend nothing is wrong, and 2. Choose to be happy, and in doing so forget my problems. Neither of these coping methods is particularly useful, as neither of them actually let me access the emotions I’m feeling and deal with them. Instead I surround myself with things to do and people to see and places to be, etcetera, in order to ignore them, or in order to make myself so happy and busy that I forgot they were there to deal with in the first place.

Lately, I’ve been rather busy. I do stuff related to college and housework during the day, and then at night I hang out with my friends. I do this pretty much every day of the week and then it starts over again. So, I guess you could say I keep pretty busy.

Staying busy keeps me happy, as it does many people, because many people, like me, use busyness and the people and errands to attend to surrounding them to keep them from their inner turmoil.

I, for one, struggle with many things. I struggle with the relative meaningless of my existence, but more so with the self-perceived meaninglessness of those I love. I struggle with illness, and the mental and intellectual pain associated thereof. I struggle with depression, emptiness, restlessness, and discouragement. However, I think out of all my struggles and fears, I believe my biggest fear, and therefore my biggest avoidee is my own personal brokenness. I don’t like to acknowledge the fact that I’m not perfect, cannot be perfect, and cannot ever make myself so, despite all of my efforts to improve upon myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not perfect, not anywhere near perfect, in fact. I am broken, and you are broken, and we’re all kind of a misshapen mess of heartbreak, darkness, hatred, jealousy, and so on and so on. But. We all have the smallest bit of hope. We all want to think that the world isn’t as bad as it seems, that we aren’t as horrible as we perceive ourselves to be, that our loved ones aren’t as terrible as they think they are, that maybe in this terrible mess of a world – where people die, children are raped and go hungry, sickness runs rampant, and hatred is professed by many – maybe, there is still light. Maybe, amidst our imperfectness there is some light that we bring into the world. Maybe, despite all of my wrongdoings and imperfections, I have a positive impact on those that surround me.

So this is me confronting my brokenness. Confronting the fact that I am sick – that I have bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia – that I hurt people, that I make mistakes, and that I will always struggle to be good. However, despite all of this, there is a God that loves me out there. Through all of my problems He still has faith in me. So I guess I can’t be too bad. Therefore, you can’t be too bad either. No matter the darkness that you feel has surrounded you, or the struggles you deal with, you have a positive impact on those you love, and someone out there that loves you.

 

That’s all folks!

 

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