Fibromyalgia is a never-ending battle between what was, what is, and what will be. This is much like life itself, except the fibromyalgia actually inhibits my ability to live life, so I’m too busy worrying about being able to live life, and therefore I don’t often have the time to consider whether I am living life well. It’s confusing.
For the beginners let’s discuss my medical conditions (thus far diagnosed) and what fibromyalgia is, as well as how it affects me and many millions of people around me.
Number One: I technically have something called Central Sensitization Syndrome. It’s basically a fancy way of saying my body overreacts to everything. My pain sensors are turned on, and no matter what they stay on, kind of like a 13 year old boy, but more painful, and less cringy.
Number Two: Fibromyalgia/Central Sensitization Syndrome have multiple effects on my health and life, all negative. I am constantly tired, in pain, and feel a little sickly. I’ve grown quite accustomed to it: when I wake up in the morning my hands and feet will be swollen, as soon as I stand up my feet will turn purple and stay that way for a while, I will likely sleep way too much and then still need a nap. Imagine you were fighting a chronic illness that made your body freak out everyday, you’d be tired too. It’s extra special work.
So everyday I struggle with my hurtles, try not to use too many spoons (which I prefer to call llamas because if I’m going to be allotted anything I’d rather it be llamas than spoons, spoons are too mainstream), and attempt to forget the fact that my body is in a constant state of pain and that there’s currently no way to treat it.
This week has hit me like a ton of bricks. Fibro flare. The worst thing ever. Essentially I’ve done something to aggravate the angry beast of pain that lives within my nerves, and he has decided to take offense and fight me off. Which I really don’t appreciate. I’d much rather he take a hike, but unfortunately don’t get to choose that.
For all of you that don’t have fibromyalgia or another chronic illness I’m going to attempt to explain what having fibromyalgia, especially a flare, feels like: Imagine there’s an entire other you living inside of yourself, and this you is your current healthy you, however, your outer layer is you 60-70 years older. So even though you feel youthful and your age, energetic, what have you, on the inside, your outside elderly body prevents your ability to actually accomplish what you desperately want to accomplish. Now let’s pay attention to your old exterior. The outside of you is a sickly old person – you have arthritis, you bruise easily, you’re tired all the time, and your bones ache everyday. This is fibromyalgia. This is what I live, and many many other people with fibromyalgia.
But we’ve got to keep our heads up, and I have to keep my head up. So even though I feel like curling up in my bed, cuddling, eating chocolate and watching Netflix, I will continue to do the things I need to do, just with many more breaks!