After about a month of relative peace in terms of my mental condition I have taken a slight turn for the hypomanic in recent days. Life has been incredibly stressful, so much so that my psychiatrist said he is surprised I didn’t react sooner.
The stressful: my dog has epilepsy and has been having so many seizures he could die, my sister has been incredibly sick for a month, so much so that she hasn’t been to school in that entire month and when my parents leave I’m home to take care of her, my Nana went back to her house briefly to get everything together but the doctor is worried she may have a stroke, medical bills keep coming back denied by the insurance because they think the testing is “unnecessary and not proven medically”, I’m going back to school in a month, and to top it all off we’re looking at moving in the next coming weeks or months (not any considerable distance, just a different house).
For the most part I think I’ve been handling it pretty well. I continue to do things with the people I love, I continue to get up every day and get out of bed, I continue to write, I continue to go to church, and be social, and eat. However, last night I noticed I might be taking a turn for the agitated-panicky-high heart rated Susannah that comes with the beginning of hypomania. I notices this when instead of playing video game with David and Samuel I cleaned the house, as in swept the entire house, did all the dishes, and straightened the living room. I stress clean, so I knew upon hindsight that that was the sign that I needed to chill.
This morning I took time to sleep and relax, I had had difficulty falling asleep due to a racing heartbeat. Then, after sticking dinner in the crockpot (which took a lot of self discipline, as the agitation makes even the smallest of tasks difficult and overwhelming), I went off to the psychiatrist.
Luckily, my appointment went really well. My psychiatrist said to keep doing what I’m doing to keep myself in check, because whatever it is is working. He said David sounded like “he could be a keeper”, and that being social and hanging out is good for me, and that I should not try to put myself on a very regimented schedule as it hasn’t worked in the past for me. All of which was good news, and to top it off I don’t have to see him for seven weeks. So that’s all really good!
Unfortunately, my very recent surge in hypomanic tendencies has made me realize again that Bipolar Disorder is a chronic illness, ever changing, and that medicine won’t just fix it. Let me tell you, it’s a bummer. For all of us with Bipolar Disorder we spend so much effort trying to be better, to hide the Bipolar that marks us as different from the rest of society, to keep our neurotic tendencies and whatnot to a minimum, and God forbid we start to lean up or down the spectrum. It’s a constant struggle, one I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. It sucks. But I’m going to keep on keeping on. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and an awesome boyfriend who all love me for me, and that alone makes all the difference in the world.