Thoughts from bed: Day two

Since yesterday morning I think I have successfully watched 20 something episodes of Scrubs, in this time J.D. and Eliot have hooked up, lived together, and now separated again and Eliot is dating a male nurse named Paul. Tuck and Carla are now engaged. Dr. Cox and his ex-wife, Jordan, have had a baby. Oh right, spoilers.

***

In the past two days I’ve also had time to mull over everything I don’t like about myself because sitting in a dark room, sick, by yourself is a really bad idea for people with bipolar disorder/depression. I’m ironing out the kinks as I go.

I don’t think you realize just how much you dislike about yourself until you truly have 48 hours to lay in a bed sick and ruminate over it. Luckily, I tend to not be particularly self-loathing so I rationalize all of the bad things and try to forget about it. I assume that’s what most people do. I assume I’m not a crazy person. Then again, I’m on antipsychotics.

However, even though I’m bummed out and pseudo depressed, I refuse to let it turn into any sort of permanent thing. I will not be depressed. So instead of sitting here and typing about all the things I do wrong, and all the things that go wrong in my life, I’m going to write some positive things, then go into the kitchen, get some ice cream, and attempt to socialize with my family.

Here goes:

I live in a house with a loving family who take care of me when I need them, and to whom I reciprocate to the best of my abilities. I have a loving community of support made up of my church and my friends. My friends care for me and I do so in return. I have a boyfriend who enjoys who I am as a person, all my crazy included. I also enjoy him and all of his quirks (although if we’re comparing crazy, I win). I have a God who loves me and is ever merciful; He accepts me despite all of my downfalls with open arms.

Alright. Good things, good things. Now, whether I want to or not, I’m going to go inside, shower, and attempt to get better, because laying around in this bed is getting me nowhere. And I still cannot breathe out of my left nostril…

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