Okay, let’s talk Bipolar Disorder.
With the recent diagnosis and onset it’s really hard for me to adjust to my new grip on my emotions. It’s so fluid. One day I’m perfectly fine, very stable, next day a lack of waffles sends me into a tailspin. It’s a battle I’m learning to fight, but there’s a deep learning curve, and I don’t appreciate it.
Take tonight. I hung out with David tonight, casual, nothing really planned. He told me that a friend and his brother were coming over to play Smash Bros. – not exactly what I had in mind, but perfectly fine. We played Smash, I played Zelda, I didn’t suck as much as I normally do. Then more and more people show up, not invited by David (as he has two roommates) and want to join in on the Smashing – also fine, more people, still I didn’t suck as much as normal. Then, suddenly, everyone leaves and it’s just us and one of our close friends. Mario Kart. Eventually my body gave out on me and I refocused my energy towards laying down and watching Mario Kart from a comfortable position. Finally, it’s getting late and it is determined that it’s time for me to go home. Typically this consists of me and David riding home together and it’s a nice time to regroup (as I am by nature an introvert, and am relaxed and happy in comfortable surrounding…not that being with our friend isn’t also relaxing and comfortable…there’s just something different about being with your boyfriend, and being with your boyfriend and a friend). However, tonight is was the three of us. And that’s when I broke. I got upset and teary eyed because we were driving over together, and therefore I wouldn’t get to be alone with just David. That pissed me off. What a stupid thing to get upset about. So now I’m upset (over a stupid thing in the first place) and I’m also upset that I’m upset. So I spent the car ride crying quietly in the backseat. Not because I was upset that it wasn’t David and I, no longer. I was upset because I was upset over something stupid and that pissed me off. WTF BIPOLAR DISORDER? You make no sense.
By this point in time, we’re at my house, David realizes I’ve been sitting in the backseat crying, and gets out to comfort me. He does so, and it helps, it really does. I feel significantly better. BUT. It’s in this moment that my biggest fear, and I think the fear of many people with Bipolar Disorder, among other illnesses, emerged. It is as follows:
What if one day I’m no longer worth the struggle and the hassle of my illness? What if all of my struggles and open displays of emotion are tick marks on the scoring sheet of how much is too much?
I try, and we try, so so hard to keep our illnesses in check, whether it be physical or mental or both. I try so incredibly hard to keep an even keel, and to take my medicine, and to go to therapy, and to think of good things in my life, and so on and so on. What if one day it’s not good enough? What if one day it just doesn’t cut it anymore?
That’s heartbreaking. Completely heartbreaking.
But I have to remember a few things, and so do we all:
- The people that truly love us, love us, our entire us, and accept us as we are – the hurt, and the sick, and the messed up.
- The people we keep close likely know that you will struggle, and that sometimes you’re going to have a bad night/week/etc., and in their presence in your life they’ve either decided that you’re worth the struggle.
- At the end of the day you can only do so much. You cannot undo or stop an illness like these ones, it doesn’t work. So love who you are and surround yourself with people who love who you are.
I got lucky.
David hugged me, kissed me, held me close while I was crying, and said that he loved me.
And that, my friends, is exactly what I needed. ❤