I’m reasonably new to this. My doctors said they caught it really early. So when my mind suddenly takes a sharp turn and my mood and brain go haywire I don’t know what to do to stop or help it.
Obviously I know the general guidelines: get enough sleep, try to relax, imagery, do calming things that you enjoy, and whatnot. However, as I quickly sink into a bipolar induced existential crisis it’s hard to rely on those things alone.
I find that I desperately want a pill to swallow and suddenly everything will be better: my brain will be better, it’ll produce the right balance of hormones and the signals will go off when they’re supposed to. Alas, there is not yet a cure for Bipolar Disorder. And that sucks. We’re all just supposed to live our lives in accommodation with an illness that literally messes up our brains to the point where getting anything accomplished is impossible and all of our efforts are fruitless.
So tonight I am trying to be proactive. I’m trying to make the right decisions and pamper myself just enough to where it’ll snap out of it, stop freaking out, and go back to a stable, if not affable, mood. I cancelled the gym in the morning so that I can sleep in, I’m sitting in bed focusing on my breathing and trying to think happy thoughts. Unfortunately all of my efforts are not coming to fruition just yet – right now I am left to the inevitability of death and my relative meaninglessness in this world.
I am just going to sit here, remind myself that I am loved and have a purpose, and repeat to myself: I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.
Because maybe if I tell myself that enough it’ll be true.