It’s been a bad week. Honestly, I can’t even tell you why. Nothing in particular is wrong. My mood went haywire like a week ago and I’m still riding the waves, err, trying not to choke to death on salt water whilst falling off of the board and nearly being bitten by a shark. But, you know. The usual. Except it isn’t.
Lately I’ve been pretty stable. I’ve been going to class, hanging with my friends, doing the stuff that I have to do, living life. Then it all just went splat on the floor and I’m freaking out trying to put myself back together. Not only for me, but for everyone I love.
You know how terrifying it is to feel like a burden to those you love? The people who’s lives you’re supposed to enrich? I want so desperately to be the shoulder to cry on, the healthy friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter. Instead I’m just chilling in the corner hyperventilating over nothing. Literally nothing.
David has been so loving and helpful, but I feel for him. I feel bad. I don’t want to have to constantly lean on him for support because I’ve suddenly started crying and whatnot, and the last week that’s what it’s been. Over and over and over. It sucks.
I feel like I have no control over my life right now. Like everything is spinning and soon someone is going to pull the tablecloth out from beneath my feet and everything and everyone I know will be whisked away from me.
I am burdened by my illness and therefore I feel like a burden. David probably doesn’t want to spend some nights stuck with me, calming me down while I hyperventilate and sob – he does, and he does so lovingly and wonderfully. But it’s probably not his first choice. My friends would probably like it if I could hang out without freaking out and hiding, I know I sure would.
The scariest part about being bipolar, depressed and anxious, is feeling like one day everyone will get tired of dealing with me and my illness. And currently the depression and anxiety I am experiencing in this mixed state is telling me that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
I just need to turn those thoughts off.
My family loves me. My friends love me. My boyfriend loves me.
Above all God loves me. And if He does, I guess I’m not too bad.
Now if you don’t mind I’ll go back to worrying myself sick and you can go back to the regularly scheduled program.
P.s. On lithium now. Fingers crossed.