How to get blood work done in 14 easy steps!

Day two of having a cold and I have been so very productive – and by that I mean I have gotten blood work done and watched a movie.

If you’re familiar with blood work you know the routine well:

1. Wake up as early as possible so that you can beat everyone there.

2. Sigh in defeat as the parking lot is already full, and then awkwardly sit in between two strangers as there are no available seats.

3. Oh wait, yeah, you have to sign in. The sign in sheet is already full. Check your phone, it’s 7:41 am.

4. Sit uncomfortably close to people as the news tells of possible cures to the Zika virus. Read Buzzfeed. Clowns are drawing children into the woods in South Carolina. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

5. It’s been 45 minutes, your name is finally called. You go into a separate waiting area and show your ID and insurance card. They look at you strangely because you don’t look like you did when you were sixteen. You initial many things. They print out stickers for your blood vials.

6. Sit uncomfortably between more strangers. Check Twitter, snapchat your boyfriend horrible pictures of yourself and hope it’s not a HIPPA violation.

7. Your name is mispronounced! That must be you!

8. Wait in a chair that is likely off blue with places for your arms and a weird part in the front like they’re securing you for a theme park ride.

9. The phlebotomist comes. Make awkward small talk as she inspects your arms. You warn her that your veins roll, she eyes your arms, puts what appears to be a tourniquet around your arm, tells you make a fist, and then says “good morning sunshine” to the vein that promptly appears.

10. You are told you make experience a slight pinch, and then suddenly your blood is coming out of your arm at a reasonable pace into vials that she clicks in and out of a doohickey attached to the needle that is impaling you.

11. She eyes you making sure you won’t faint on her, as she nears the sixth vial. You assure her you’re fine, you’ve filled 14 vials in on sitting.

12. Needle is swiftly pulled from arm, you are told to apply pressure to a piece of cotton they’ve now put on your wound.

13. Vials are labeled with stickers. You have to make sure they say your name exactly, and then you have to sign your life away.

14. You’re done, go to the car, eat a muffin (it was fasting), look at the time! It’s 9:30…

For those of you that are not so familiar here^ is the process. I asked David yesterday and he said he couldn’t remember ever getting blood work. I can’t remember not getting blood work. I thought I should share so that those less fortunate than myself and other chronically ill people get to know the true glamour of having blood taken from you.

In case you’re wondering, following said blood work I took a nap and then watched Hot Fuzz. British Comedy. Highly recommend.


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