There are few things worse, to me, than the complete and utter unpredictability associated with Bipolar Disorder. I’ve felt good for three days, almost too good, and now that I suddenly got stressed out and started crying when faced with cooking rice, I can see that this must’ve been a particularly tolerable, enjoyable even, hypomania – which sucks, because I was actually enjoying myself for once, but you know, can’t have too much of that. Now I’m back to depressed and slightly agitated me, back to normal. If only normal was more pleasant.
I wish I could be more hypomanic all the time, it’s certainly a step up. I’m goofy and happy, I’m fun to be around. I smile a lot, and sing, and dance. I make jokes, and twirl in dresses, and don’t think about the fact that I hurt because who has time for that when you could be laughing? Unfortunately my spurts of this last only a few days. I thought my insomniatic tendencies were withdrawal from Seroquel, but maybe there’s some hypomania in the mix too? Who knows. I surely don’t, I can barely keep my head on straight without suddenly crying over rice.
Anyway, today I saw my chiropractor for a followup appointment. Turns out my neck is curving the wrong way, my back has a sideways curve, my right hip is higher than my left, and I have extra vertebrae… What went wrong when I was made? One person should not have so many weird things. I’m 19, not 89. I should be concerned with my college classes and my boyfriend and whether or not I want to stay in my major, but instead I’m visiting doctors and trying to get on a medication concoction that suits my needs. I’m completely out of shape and should exercise, but instead I get killer headaches and sleep – and should I attempt exercise my entire body revolts. Nope, nope, nope.
In other news, I’m in the process of attempting to be more individualized. In other words, I want to know me, and I want to know me well. Not necessarily because I love spending time with myself, but more for a functional you-ought-to-know-yourself-so-you-can-figure-out-what-you-want-to-do-with-your-life-other-than-get-married-and-have-kids and knowing-yourself-leads-to-healthier-interpsersonal-relationships type of thing. I know I like writing, I know I like kids, I know I want to get married and have said kids, I know I’m sickly, but I’m also trying to learn that that doesn’t necessarily define me. It’s just hard because being sick has always defined me, and how do I get away from that when I’m just getting more and more sick? I suppose I’ll find out.