Let’s discuss what I’m terrified of:
I’m afraid of being alone, not in the “can’t stay home by yourself” or even “can’t be single” terminology, more in the “please don’t leave me I love you but I’m afraid I annoy you” way. And it’s a problem. I could probably go back in time and tie my fear to a bad break up or something, but honestly I think I just kind of came this way, and I’m not a fan.
To add to it I’m plagued with a medical onslaught and have to carry it as baggage, not only physically, but mentally. As a person with bipolar disorder, I can’t imagine trying to deal with and love a person with bipolar disorder. I’m hard work. I thank god every day for my family, my boyfriend, and my best friend. They love me through it, but sometimes I don’t know how. I’m afraid I’m going to almost cry over a restaurant’s lack of potatoes on a date again and that time it’ll be the last straw, and then that’ll be it. I’m afraid everyone I love so much will get fed up with me, and so I expend so much energy trying to make sure I’m not annoying them and it’s exhausting – and probably annoying.
In case I haven’t made it obvious I’m completely head over heels for David. He makes me incredibly happy, he makes me laugh, and kisses my tears away, and he never blames me for my sudden crying episodes. Today he sat down and watched Follow That Bird with me, a Sesame Street film that I loved as a kid, just because I really wanted to. He gives and gives and never asks for anything in return, and I tell him I don’t know how I got so lucky, and he scoffs and says I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I do, I know he’s a rare gem. And that brings me back to my point. Being so vulnerable is hard, I have to constantly remind myself that all is well, and that David loves me, and that I’m not annoying him – because my brain would like me to believe otherwise. I annoy myself, I’m a mess, and he could leave me, but he won’t.
Same goes for my family, and for my best friend, Courtney. My family is stuck with me, but they don’t have to be so accommodating, so loving and supportive. They put a roof over my head, and food on the table, and provide for doctors appointments and prescriptions, and let me live in their house and go about my business. They don’t have to, but they do. And Courtney, she’s a saint. I often think back to all my annoying and go “why on earth does Courtney even like me?”, but she’s here for me, even from Tallahassee.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this. I’ll totally still struggle and have to make sure I’m not being too obnoxious, but maybe if I can love myself a little more, I’ll be a little less afraid. Maybe I’m not that bad.