Hole

I never really get seriously suicidal, at least I haven’t yet. It’s always more of a I want to bury myself in a hole and hibernate for the foreseeable future kind of thing. Well it’s here, I’d like to bury myself in a hole for the foreseeable future. Yippee. I know there are people out there that do experience actual suicidal thoughts. Mine are always more: I could jump off of this and kill myself, but that’s not very logical now is it, not a good idea Susannah. Instead, my depressed self wants to keep living, just in a comatose state. One where I don’t have to worry about homework, or how on earth I’m going to finish this semester with how bad my past two weeks have been. It’s not like I haven’t gotten out of bed, I manage. I get out of bed, I do the things I’m required to do, most of the time anyway (I didn’t go to most of my classes last week on account of being horribly depressed and sickly), I just go through the motions. I do my thing, it’s just like slugging through really viscous mud that never lets up. I have a class and a doctors appointment tomorrow. I’ll go to both. But it’ll sure be awful. I went to the psychiatrist and we’re messing with my meds again. He told me to consider seeing another doctor that specializes in mood disorders. Apparently I’m a tough case to crack. None of the meds do that much. I’m still cycling a lot and having mixed states and whatnot. The Latuda has been the best thus far but it still doesn’t help enough, it just keeps me sane enough to function. Ahh bipolar disorder, why dost thou test me? Anyway, life kind of sucks right now. I don’t really know what to do. I just keep chugging. 

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